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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

tawny's thoughts

So, I started this blog months ago. Thought I would need an outlet for my own thoughts, not just Ms. Kya's updates. I got inspired by Adde's interesting thoughts. I do have all these thoughts, however the time just wasn't there. Never posted a single thing. Saying this, I am now beginning my first post. Nothing in specific.

Today is voting day, I think I'll go vote. You're supposed to get a free Starbucks for doing so. Isn't that sad? That is what is inspiring me? When the choices seem bleak and you have a million thoughts in your head about political issues, it boils down to...free coffee (excuse the pun).

Kya is talking on her baby monitor because due to the time change, her body is saying it's 10:00 wake up time. I'm trying my hardest to will her back to sleep for an hour.

Know something cool I figured out today? We have been recycling for only about 3 months now. Nick was using our recycling bin as a garage trash can. After stealing it from the garage (and cleaning it, yuck), I began my recycling journey. I had no idea how addictive it could be. Everything is now, "is this recyclable? No? It should be?" What a great service this city provides and I have been missing it for four years. Well, last time we separated our bin out for them, those nice men actually put the bin right at my front door for me. I did it again this morning, let's see if it works. Anyway, what I figured out today was by recycling we have gone from putting the trash can on the curb for pick up twice a week (overloaded) to once a week (almost full). That's with adding another person (and all her dirty diapers). Isn't that amazing? I thought so.

I'm going to post my myspace blogs here:


Somewhere over the Rainbow.....my love
Current mood: loved
Category: Religion and Philosophy
July 2006
Somewhere over the rainbow, there waits my love. I've come to the frightening conclusion that it's really not about me in life. I'd like to think that I always knew this, but to be honest...it's never been more real. When I was a little girl, I loved rainbows and the mythical thought that there really was something on the other side..pot of gold, leprechauns, I wasn't exactly sure. I just knew I wanted to get there someday. As we get older, fantasies become less imaginative and creative. Working with kids everyday, I'm reminded of play time and make believe and it brings me to a great place in the storage of my memories. This universe is vast, I am but a speck of wind. Yet, there is something...or rather someone on the other side of that rainbow waiting for me. He is...my love. My one true love, the one my heart hungers and my soul thirsts for. He is my savior and my friend. He is Jesus. It is far greater than a pot of gold or folklore, He is the "mystery" that I try to unravel with each pull of His holy yarn. I have always loved this man, for as far as I can remember, but never realized His immense love for me until recently. I stopped looking to others for my total fill, and reached for the one hand I know best. I want to honor Him, make Him smile and laugh, I want to please Him. Not because I am supposed to or because that's what a "good Christian" does, but because he is my master and I am made to love Him. I have always known the answer to the infamous televangelist question, "If you died tomorrow, would you go to heaven?" But what about now, what about my daily ins and outs? Here is what I've come to. I want to honor Him with:

My mouth - my tongue is my greatest tool, how I use it He tells me is what's important. Am I bringing up people or tearing them down? Do I kiss the lips of fools who bear nothing but hate and gossip? Does my mouth drip with love not only for Him, but for His people? Do I whisper sweet words of encouragment to my betrothed, words of wisdom to the young, and words of comfort to the hurting? Am I asking my lover to forgive me when I hurt Him? I want my voice to be that of angels whispering, singing, shouting the unconditional love our Father has to offer everyone.

My mind-I don't judge the homeless, homosexuals, or heathens. That's God's job, I tell myself and stay out of such arguments. I do, however, tend to judge the people I need most, my fellow believers. In a bit of irony, in their judgement of others. I need to embrace everyone with the arms of Christ. It is an amazing concept when you look at those around you and tell yourself, "God loves that person so much and they are His child." Does my mind stay pure and blameless? Would my husband, mother, or lover be proud if my thoughts were posted on a billboard?

My body- The body I worry about on a daily basis...will my butt get smaller, will I be able to bear children, will I ever be able to do something great physically? My body is for my lover and to the man He sent for me to be one with. I want to use every inch of these organs, tissue, and bones to glorify the One who made me wholly perfect. I want to take care of it, I want to push it to it's limits in a good way. I want to take it all over the earth to hold peple who are dying or unloved. I want to be choicest of morsels to my husband who is a co-owner of it. Yes, this pleases my love.

My soul-It is well...no matter what comes to pass, it is well. I want this to be my banner. It is well, my lover still loves me past all of my flaws, sins, and shames. When the world turns against me, will I be okay with just He and I? (wise question my mom asked me in high school). Do I not claim this lover of mine, only to forsake Him for the ways of the world? Is He not more worthy? Someone I knew once wrote, "who you are when no one else is around, is your character." My soul longs to be one-faced, shining in the light of my lover's soul. We are connected through the spirit, is there anything greater? My passion is to dive into the God-breathed words and never come up for air. It is well with my soul.

So, that is why somewhere over the rainbow, my lover is waiting. He is my fantasy and reality. He is waiting with open arms and a smile. How I long to run into His embrace and kiss His face. He is home....In the words of Simon and Garfunkel "Home where my love is waiting...for me."

The road to Babyhood
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
August 2007
If you are reading this, you have probably figured out that we are expecting a baby on Valentine's day! It has been a long, hard, disappointing, growing experience for us. It started about 3 years ago when we decided that it was "time" to expand our clan. I told the Doctor I wanted to have the baby during Spring Break to coincide with our teaching schedule. Knowing what I know now, I see why he laughed out loud. We had a hard time figuring out why it wasn't working so easy for us. I ended up having a surgery in May of 2005 to "clean shop" in hopes of making us more fertile. No luck. After almost two years we decided that this summer (Juneish) we'd start fertility treatments to help us along.
Well, May 6th came around and I wasn't feeling myself. I took a test on the off chance I could be pregnant and Lo and Behold!!!! I WAS! I couldn't believe it. Nick and I were in shock! We went crazy getting every book at Barnes and Noble, planning out the next 20 years, and a nursery. Now, I know a lot of people find this "Taboo" to talk about which I can't understand. It happens to so many women and I just wanted someone to talk to who had been there. Only a couple of short days after finding out we were pregnant, I miscarried. It was AWFUL, tragic, and spiritually growing. I spent a lot of time crying, grieving, and surrendering. It was a huge self realization about how insignificant I am, and how GREAT God is! Instead of questioning Him, I embraced Him knowing only He was the everlasting arms that would bring true healing. Well, only a couple of short weeks later, we got pregnant AGAIN! I don't know how or why, but it is not for me to question. I am only just SO grateful that God thought us worthy enough to be parents. I am humbled, excited, nervous, and wordless!
I have been SO sick all summer. I can count on one hand the number of days I didn't throw up this summer. It hasn't helped we've had mandatory water boil because e. coli and other nasties in our city water. Every time I get sick though, it is a reminder that the miracle of life is happening right here inside my tired, and unworthy body. It has been an amazing experience in our marriage as well. Nick has stepped up taking over all responsibilities and holding my hair back and bringing me crackers in bed. He's amazing!
Please pray for us as we are embarking on a new journey that we do justice to this gift we're borrowing and that we are able to share a lot of love with others and with God through this child.

Woah baby!
Current mood: fascinated
Category: Life

Well, it's official...we're parents!!!
We started the induction process last Wednesday evening. At first, not too bad. The next morning when the doctor broke my water, all ______ broke too! There are not words to describe the physical pain of labor! I went in thinking I was going to do childbirth the "natural" way. Well, there is nothing "natural" about wanting to claw your your eyeballs out and climb the walls. At this point, I was dialated to 6 cm. The nurse came in and said, "it's only going to get worse, do you want an epidural?" Was there any question....YES!!!!!! During the epidural, Nick almost passed out watching. The nurses had to get him juice and stick his head between his legs. It was SO cute! I'd gladly take a giant needle in my back a hundred times over a contraction. So, after 21 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, our sweet baby Kya was born. She weighed 7 lbs. 9 oz. and was 21 inches long. However, during the labor I lost a lot of blood and had to have a DNC done right afterwards. The doctors wouldn't release me with my blood counts, then looking at Kya, realized she had severe jaundice and was dehydrated. I was exclusively breastfeeding and didn't realize my body was too busy making blood instead of milk. She had to go under the lights for 2 days straight and got more pin pricks and prods than we could stand. Saturday, we were told in that Kya wasn't getting better and that I had to have a blood transfusion. So, she spent all day Sunday in a "tanning bed" and I spent it getting blood. I cannot imagine people who have to see their babies go through so much worse, I don't think I could handle it!
Monday morning, we got one piece of good news after another. Kya's jaundice numbers finally dropped, she could go home, my numbers went up, I could go home!!! My parents had cleaned and disinfected our whole house and made it so welcoming!
So, now here we are...at home. More exhausted than I thought humanly possible. Struggling with breastfeeding and supplementing. Making sure this perfect being is breathing at all times and somehow trying to manage some sleep.
Thank you to everyone who prayed for us, sent loving thoughts our way, and came to meet her. We are VERY blessed! PRAISE GOD!!!

2 comments:

Cowan Clan said...

Yay! I can't wait to read other thoughts you have. I love to recycle, although I haven't really lived somewhere where it was convenient. It's sad that I wait on convenience, but it's just so much easier to collect it all and have someone pick it up for me.

Will & Abby's Life said...

I like "your" blog :)(I like Kya's too)