I'm sure I can beat it...or at least be somewhat comparable.
***WARNING*** This post will be T.M.I. If you are easily offended, DO NOT read on. If excrement of any kind does you in, you have been warned!!!!!
My story actually begins last night around 10:30 when we got home from a great time with friends. We had only thought we'd stay at their house for an hour, two tops. Ended up staying three +. I didn't put the puppy dogs in the bathroom for such a short time, just in our bedroom. Though they have handled this well for that stretch of time in the past....this time was different. I opened the door to let them out and saw what looked like a tub of water had been poured on my bed. I immediately looked up to the ceiling. Nope, we hadn't added a second story with the bathroom above our bedroom, the roof had not collapsed under the tormental rain that obviously was from a cloud measuring 5 feet in diameter directly over my house, and nope we still don't have a waterbed. I stood there shocked thinking how could a dog or even 3 dogs urinate that much??? A quick whiff told me they indeed had and of course, I had laid out all the delicates I had previously washed and hung to dry right smack in the middle of the soiled bed (If I smell like urine, I didn't pee on myself, it's probably my undergarments). I ripped off the comforter,sheets, and bed pillow to find that it had in fact soaked through to the mattress. So, Nick and I are tag teaming washing Kya and putting her to bed and getting the linens soaked and washed.
It was about this time that I noticed something odd on Kya's bathroom floor. What the @$*#^&??? ANTS! We are prone to them on the island....we are even more prone when daddy leaves a wet diaper in the bathroom trash can (um...hello? Diaper champ babe) and I leave a dirty outfit of Kya's in front of her door (so I wouldn't wake her from her by going in and putting them in the hamper). That or they could have possibly been going for the earless Easter bunny as well (read on to find out what this is). It doesn't take these little boogers long. There were probably 1,000 sugar ants marching ever so perfectly in two lines from a tiny whole in the hallway baseboard to the diaper laden trash can and the food soaked clothes. Hated to destroy such determination, but not really.
When we were getting ready for bed, I heard Nick say the two words I hate, "OH NO!" Oh yes, these sweet poochies of ours had found the box of the 10 inch white chocolate Easter bunny I had given Nick that he had only eaten the ears off of. It was on the bedside table, now it was on the floor, empty. So, as we are laying on the guest bed, I'm massaging the puppies tummies and Nick's researching the affects of white chocolate on canines until two in the morning. Turns out, not as bad as regular chocolate. Number one symptom...excessive urination. Case solved.
Nick had to leave early for work this morning, so I thought I'd sleep just a little bit longer. Apparently, Olly's digestive tract thought otherwise because I woke up to the nastiest poof of flatulence on my face and causing my hair to flutter up. It was definitely time to get up!
Thinking that it was good I had gotten up so I could work on reports...Kya decides to wake up over an hour and a half early. Enough Said!
When I bring Kya to the kitchen to do our morning routine she has her hand so far in her mouth, I briefly considered entering her in a "freak talent" contest. Quickly remembered that she has been trying to cut teeth (she likes to do this in bulk, 3 or 4 at a time-so it's EXTRA miserable all at once. Isn't she sweet?). I put her in her high chair and though I've never actually seen the movie, clips from Exorcist really were being reenacted right here in my dining room. Kya was throwing her head back in fourth in circles, spewing her milk, slinging snot, waving her hands in the hair or throwing them in her mouth. I shoved teething tablets into her mouth when she did the open mouth screaming and hand flying. Nothing...still seems possessed. Food wasn't working, milk wasn't working, water wasn't working, even ice wasn't working! I broke down and gave her Tylenol. Said a prayer and just watched the show while drinking my Instant Breakfast (with whole milk-yuck!).
Exactly 7 minutes later, the demon of teething left her tiny body and she looked at me, tilted her head, smiled and said, "more". I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or seriously consider an exorcism. As I'm basking in the first sounds of peace and am feeding my sweet Kya yogurt, I hear another sound. Is that...wretching? I look to the couch. So, it was Olly who ate the white chocolate bunny! Olly's so thoughtful too, he yakked all over Nick's shirt rather than the couch or floor. I scooped up the vomit polo and shook it out in the sink. Chunks of partially digested white chocolate, dog food, and ???? combined with the smell of it caused me to blow my own chunks on the shirt as well. I DON'T DO PUKE!!! Kya didn't get anymore yogurt, we switched to fruit.
So, teething toddler gets distracted easily, but quickly loses interest when her gums burn. So, we fed the fish, played with toys, danced, etc....when all that failed to distract her for more than 2 minutes, I went to my last resort, the "go-to". I'm sure every mother has one and every one's is different. I actually have two: The Wiggles and a shower/bath. Figuring I could kill two birds with one stone, I'd get my shower in with her. So, my happy little lamb is blissfully playing in the shower while I held her. She only whimpered a few times, but quickly forgot when we'd "taco tongue" the shower water into our mouths and blow "zerberts" on each other's neck.
All of a sudden, Kya lets out one really big whimper and a slight scream, I'm thinking her hand is caught in a bundle of toys in the frog pod. I'm not sure which came first, the sound, the smell, or the feeling of a giant poo-poo ball rolling down my side and leg before landing on the shower floor. I'm frozen in shock (obviously, I'm not quick to react at shocking situations and freeze-up instead). I was shaken out of my mouth ajarred position when I felt, "blump, blump". Two more little presents, then Kya saying "ahewe" (in toddler terms, "Wow, I feel much better"). I stood up slightly yelling in a high pitched mommy tone, "bath all done, time to rinse off". The baby did not like this and pulled her "go-to" move by laying her head on my chest and singing to me. She rarely does this for Nick and I, therefore, we eat it up when she does. So, instead of getting out of the fecal-filled bathtub, I just hold my precious angel and sway enjoying every second of this bliss. Then, the smell overpowered me. I looked down and realized we oddly resembled some sort of tribunal sacrifice with Kya's three poodle orbs encircling my feet. I maneuvered both of us out of the tub, into towels, and got my sweet, excrementing tyke into bed for a nap.
Notes to self (e.g., lessons I've learned this week):
1) Blackberries and 14 month olds...not an advisable(or clean)combination. Just F.Y.I. They do stain...EVERYTHING!
2) Wal-Mart + Corpus Christi + Easter Day = the end of the world as you know it!
3) Giving an 86 year old a manicure will make her act 70 years younger, sass and all.
4) If your toddler pulls the box of cheerios out of the pantry and you don't put it away before you go on a bike ride with her....your three dogs will eat the ENTIRE box of cheerios (and some of the box), then lay around all day with giant bellies. (side note..somehow they still have enough appetite to lick said baby's face off after her lunch though.)
5) Telling your husband how much you enjoy him working out in the garage is great for his ego (even if your real reason in doing so is because it has made him take more showers).
6) DO NOT...I repeat, DO NOT do the following: a) be too prideful to buy an appliance from scratch and dent...or to spray paint your vent hood to match(it really did turn out looking great!) b) assume that since you work all day, everyday being a stay at home mom that when the husband has off will mean you'll get a day off sometime in there too. This will not happen! c) invite ten people over for a special Easter dinner without having any food and needing to grocery shop the day of Easter (see point 2). d) take your blessings for granted for one millisecond. :)